


Can't Lose

by redlipstickkisses



Series: Poems by Kai [22]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Autobiography, Ballet, Coping, Depression, Doctors & Physicians, Gen, Hope, I Don't Even Know, Medical Examination, Mental Health Issues, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Sister Complex, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 15:12:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13813809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipstickkisses/pseuds/redlipstickkisses
Summary: I danced todayFor the first time in 8 yearsIf I could go back and change itI don't know if I wouldIt was hell and it hurts and I regret more things than notBut it made me who I amBitter and caring and self aware





	Can't Lose

**Author's Note:**

> *comes home from dance class, writes a poem, posts poem while screeching like a pterodactyl*

I danced today

For the first time in 8 years

I slid on the leather slippers

And let the French flow over me in counts of 8

As I tried not to think

And surrendered to half forgotten muscle memory

 

**_Ready_ **

 

I am _8-9-10-11_

Lies like music tripping off my tounge

I want to be different

I want to be noticed

Not just the shadow of my sister

No one sees the bitterness as the fruit of my happiness rots

 

**_One_ **

 

I'm 12

The cracks are widening

My desire to perform- _to be seen_ \- a faulty foundation

The curtain falls

No one knows why I'm screaming

 

**_Two_ **

 

I'm 13

And someone _sees_ me

She has a smile like sunshine hidden by a cloud

And all I can think is

She makes me want to dance again

 

_**Three** _

 

I'm unlucky 14

And

My world crumbles

Envy burning the rubble

 

**_Four_ **

 

Pain and frustration and isolation

There is no longer a spotlight

Only the blinking lights of epilepsy tests

And the dark of xray rooms

No one listens when I tell them what's wrong

 

 ** _Five_**  

 

Someone _listens_

And she smiles when I say

I might like to dance again

I cry because

I don't think I can 

 

_**Six** _

 

I can see the cracks appearing in the world

I'm trying desperately to apply duck tape

It breaks anyway

I don't leave my bed for 3 days 

 

_**Seven** _

 

 18 years slowly sorted through

Packed into moving boxes and donation bags

A year later it still doesn't seem real 

 

_**Eight** _

 

I walk into the dance studio

Terrified

And relearn how to fly


End file.
